Eight Classic Signs of a Cheater

Zoomer | February 1st, 2010

In the absence of hard evidence, a nosy friend, or the money to pay a private detective, there are universal telltale signs that may suggest it is worth asking questions. Be prepared for anger at the lack of trust if your partner manages to prove your suspicions wrong, but also be prepared for the consequences if the response is the one you really don’t want to hear.

Increased hormonal activity in the brain causes behavioral changes. These may be subtle changes to one’s daily habits or new habits that are designed to try to cover up normal daily routines.

Routine changes–any change in behaviors that have been part of your life as a couple can indicate a driving force outside the home: A man starts doing his own washing; an armchair TV addict joins a gym; your partner stops wearing a wedding ring or starts locking drawers. . . .

Sex changes–there may be subtle changes in the regularity or style of doing the horizontal hula, but they should not be ignored. If they want to try things they’ve never done before, there may be someone else coaching or influencing a newfound passion, sensitivity, or expertise. There may also be a sudden lack of wanting to have sex at all.

Appearance changes–dieting, new clothes, showers the minute they walk in the door, him shaving twice a day, her getting a new hairstyle or cutting her hair.

Business trips–increased trips away, more than the usual number of overnighters, failure to invite you to business events, secrecy or vagueness about schedules, failure to share flight or hotel information, not being where one is supposed to be. Alternatively, he might start working late into the evening, or you may notice that her workmates are uncomfortable around you.

Nervous reactions–when the phone rings or when you mention a certain person at his work. Also look out for talking in her sleep, erratic mood swings, and increased criticism of you.

Conversation changes–in the case of cheating at work, someone who was mentioned in passing as part of her news of the day either figures more prominently– “Had lunch with . . .” or “Was chatting to . . . today”–or often repeat the same stories because he’s forgotten who’s been told what.

Technology changes–you start to notice that your partner prefers to e-mail you rather than call you. When he calls you, conversations are kept short, end abruptly, or are whispered, all signs that someone else may be present. She has constant excuses to go for a walk with her mobile phone–for example, there’s bad phone reception where you are sitting–or she goes to the toilet too often and for too long. When you are together, he doesn’t want to pick up certain incoming calls in your presence. She is constantly online, even when with you, checking e-mails, and if you approach, the window on the computer is suddenly closed. His BlackBerry is never left lying around where you might see it. Her computer and phone suddenly have passwords.

New friends–he has new work buddies you never get to meet. They call from time to time, but the calls are always short–she says she’ll call them back or that she doesn’t have the information right now. If you find out that his friends are cheaters, it may be a cheaters’ support group. Like attracts like. These clues are more often seen in men than in women. Women are more subtle in concealment, and men are generally worse when it comes to spotting clues (as detailed in The Definitive Book of Body Language). Often there are clues a blind dog could spot, but you would be amazed how many men will still fail to notice–for example, a complete withdrawal of her affection, suggestions that he go away for the weekend, condoms in the travel bag, emotional distance, and her preoccupation with everything but him. Women who are having an affair are likely to withdraw intimacy and sex in the marriage because duplicity comes much harder for them–most have evolved to be one-man women at heart.

– by Barbara Pease and Allan Pease authors of Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love