Joke of the day for June 9

Unknown source: Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung.

Unknown source: Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.

Aberdeen Evening Express: At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

The Times: A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common.’

The Daily Telegraph: Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North-west Gas said ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’

BBC news online: Researchers at Leicester University discovered that playing songs such as Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water and popular 1950s standard Moon River to cows succeeded in relieving tension – and boosting milk yields.

De Groene Amsterdammer: A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders [about $240USD] for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde, the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a ‘four-legged flame-thrower’ and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay. Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000USD.The cow was unharmed.

Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.

Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, who had been visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over.

Belga [The Belgium news agency]: man suspected of robbing a jewellery store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed ‘Brussels Pays £200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes: the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.’

Source: Will and Guy’s Funny Clean Jokes

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