ASK COLETTE: I’m Hooked – He’s Younger and I Can’t Tame Him

Here, Zoomer guru Colette Baron-Reid on reclaiming your sexual self – and what to do when things don’t go as planned.

 

Dear Colette,

I am a 50-year-old divorcee and I have had the most exquisite time with a 40-year-old man for the past several months. I didn’t have sex with my husband for 10 years, and now I’m having the time of my life.

After four months, he’s now declared he wants kids. WTF! What do I do? I don’t want kids. I don’t want him to have/want kids. I’m not ready to end a relationship, and only last week we were talking about moving in together. What do I do? 

I’m really upset. How dare he do this to me! We were having such a great time. I’ve had such a bad marriage and I felt unwanted, like there was something wrong with me and that’s why he had an affair. I thought I would be frigid for the rest my life. Now I feel like I found the greatest guy on the planet who loves to go dancing, is proud to be seen with me and we love exploring each other (the best sex of my life, I may add) … and now this!  He said he needed some time and space to think but I can see on his Facebook page that he is out having a good time with friends.  He doesn’t reply to my online chat, only to say he wasn’t online at the time, but I could tell he was. When I drive by his house, his car is gone and his house is dark.  What’s this all about? What’s the lesson here?”  —Hungry for More

Now, let’s consider that four months into a relationship, many men go into panic mode.  Sometimes they bolt, while other times they pull away because they aren’t sure where it’s going or that they don’t want to go there at all, no matter who they’re with.

If it’s a case of putting some distance between you two that he plays the kid card, then you have to honour his need for space or genuine desire to have something in his life you don’t want to or cannot provide.

Your declaration that you are not ready to end it means that you have some control in this relationship. I hear a temper tantrum coming on. Stop acting like a petulant child. You cannot take a man hostage. Trying to control him and the relationship is a sure-fire way of making sure this guy never comes back. Stalking him won’t do you any good – it will only drive you crazy or make other people think you’ve already arrived at Crazy Town.

There are two people in a relationship, and both of you need to respect where you are coming from. Rarely does a relationship end when one is ready; there is usually one person that’s not ready.

But now you have a jumping-off point to be ready to meet someone else. Every relationship has inherent gifts and inherent things to trip us up. You know what you are capable of being and giving in a relationship that is not with your ex-husband.  There is no reason why you can’t find it again and perhaps it means with a more age-appropriate man.  So honour this current man by enjoying the gifts both of you have given each other for the past four months.

All relationships are meant to end except the one that doesn’t.