ASK COLETTE: Why Not Me? She Said, He Said

Here, Zoomer guru Colette Baron-Reid on getting what you want out of relationship.


Dear Colette,

 I don’t understand why I am not getting what I want in my relationships.  I have been learning how to “speak my truth” and stand up for what I want but it hasn’t seemed to change my results. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I am entitled to see results don’t you think? I have been on a string of first and second dates with guys and then I never hear from them again.  I kiss them and its totally great but even when I reach out afterwards to talk, for some reason, things just don’t go anywhere. I’m an attractive 37-year-old divorcee.  I’m cute, I dress well, I have a decent job and I enjoy a lot of different activities.  Maybe I’m just dating really immature guys.  What is going on? – Two Date Maximum


Dear Two Date Maximum,

When it comes to dating it seems like many people (and yes, when I say people, I mean women – not sexist, just making a general observation based on the many Ask Colette emails I receive) have the initial reaction to events like you describe and they attack the “failure” with deep analysis – each and every detail, every conversation, every change in body language is re-examined and assessed – and then with one massive swing they bring forth an enormous hammer of blame.

No matter what he says or doesn’t say, you are responsible for what happens.  It’s not about blame – it’s about knowing that you are creating your own reality by responding to life on life’s terms.

We cannot be all things to everyone.

Let me take the pressure off of you for a moment. Now imagine watching this unfold with one of your favorite TV characters.

Quiet on the set. Action!

Great-Catch Girl, pacing around her apartment, having her imagined conversation with Hunky Silent-Type Guy:

“Hey, you asked me out to dinner, kissed me and helped me with my broken computer. You did not call me the next day. Did you not get the memo? That meant you were supposed to give me a ring and buy me a new car and never ever look at another girl. I texted you a thousand times and you did NOT get back to me. You OWE ME! Waaaaaa. I hate you but I really want you to love me so I can win this thing. Then it will prove that deep down I am not unlovable and what happened to me at nine years old with the neighbor will be all healed. Or maybe I will just dump you and that might make me feel better but either way I need a shot at this so you need to contact me. Where is the pie? I need pie!”

Hunky Silent-Type Guy having a beer at his local hangout, shaking his head as he reads yet another text on his phone:

“Listen, you were cute and kissable and I like helping girls. I fed you but you went on and on about your dreams of a relationship and how we had so much in common and frankly after the texting and calling you scare the [email protected]*T outta me and I wish you would just go away. I do not understand women. Phew that was close. OMG. Can I go now? I never could please my mom either JEEEZ. Plus your perfume smells like old socks.”

Two people can have very different ideas of their relationship, sometimes based on lack of clarity and other times on sheer projection of what they believe they’re entitled to.

You can be super-model gorgeous, have Mensa-level IQ and an incredible passion for your work that is contagious, and yet you still are not entitled to a fabulous romantic partnership.

Entitlement is a difficult state of mind to gauge in others when no one really can be inside another’s head. Nobody really invites anyone else to jump on in to share that special personally-decorated, lavish mind-space, pull up a chair and have a coffee klatch at a table to enjoy an honest straightforward conversation of what’s really going on in their connection.

What I have noticed, especially from the letters coming in for my “Ask Colette” series is there is a considerable idea that looking at childhood issues and “ working on oneself” should determine one’s success in the dating world. “I’ve done the work therefore the guy needs to want me and prove to me I am whole now”, not meaning to be harsh but, I get a lot of that implied in the queries and it’s frustrating to read.

This brings me to the interesting quantum curiosities that no one seems to agree on but we all know has truth, which is inherent in the statement, “thought creates reality.” We get what we own as true but … ta da…that we have no attachment to. What if entitlement has a deeper expectation of failure deep down of “see I told you so?”

There are no guarantees when we engage in self -development and healing in the love department.  You can only learn to love yourself and be in love with life, and be interested in others not to have them prove to us we’re loveable but to share a nice time and be open to what may or may not evolve.

So there cute, well-dressed, active Lady – what are you going to do?  Keep engaging with great guys, ask them about themselves (not your future), and then let it be as it shall be.  Don’t be tied to the outcome, just enjoy the experience and learn from each encounter.

My mom always said “ to every pot there is a lid.” Sounds like you haven’t found yours yet is all.


Colette Baron-Reid

The InVision Project
Founder, CEO

If you have a question you would like to ask Colette, write to her at [email protected]All published questions and answers will be anonymous – we honor and protect your privacy. (Please, Colette respectfully asks that you do not request a reading as the anticipated response to your question.)