ASK COLETTE: “I Had an Affair – Do I Confess?”
Come clean about your affair or keep it a secret? Here, intuitive coach Colette Baron-Reid on guilt, forgiveness and extra-marital affairs
My husband and I married when we were young. He’s the only man I’d ever been intimate with. Ten years ago, about mid-way through our marriage, I had an affair. We met on a business trip and had a torrid affair that lasted about a year. Around the same time as the end of the affair, we moved. I never said anything to my friends, and my husband has no clue about it. I’ve been holding this guilt for so long. Now my former lover works at the same company as both my husband and I do. Although he is ignoring me, I’m still so attracted to him. I’m afraid my husband will notice how “off” I am when my ex is around.
To make things worse, my husband has been diagnosed with stage four cancer and I feel the need to be honest with him now that he doesn’t have much time left. – Stricken with Guilt
Dear Stricken with Guilt,
Seriously? You want to tell your dying husband you betrayed him ten years ago? Is that for you to be exonerated so you will feel better or so he can share in the burden? What are your motives? Let’s think this through for a moment. Let’s just say you tell him. What then? Do YOU feel better? Do you honestly feel you have put honor and respect back in your marriage? I’m sorry but you asked my opinion and the only thing you’ll have done is share the burden and the whole thing will have been about you.
And what about him? How does he feel? If you’re searching for an answer to that one, I’ll give you a few to pick from…betrayed, disrespected, unloved, made a fool, rejected, embarrassed, etc. Do any of those feelings sound like what a loving wife would want for her husband?
Now add to that the fact that your time together is limited. How do you want to spend that time? Clearing your conscious or showing love, respect and support to the man who has been loyal, loving and supportive to you? You are both under a lot of stress right now and the healthiest thing for him is to have positive energy around him.
Your guilt, along with your attraction to your ex, MUST take a back seat to what’s really important right now. Your guilt is self-centered.
Up to this point I’ve been a bit direct and harsh with you. But now that’s out of the way, let’s look at what you can do, for yourself. You can’t change the past. You can only forgive yourself, so don’t look for forgiveness from your husband. My recommendation is to seek out the help of a therapist. You sound like you are not thinking clearly.
You need to work through letting go of your past. Before you’re ever ready for it, you will be in an emotional upheaval over the loss of your husband. Your emotional health will be draining energy from so many areas of your life you won’t have the necessary mental capacity to handle anything more. You will be imbalanced—your physical, spiritual and mental health will be compromised because of all of the emotions you are dealing with. Keep a safe distance from your ex-lover and a closer connection to your husband, your therapist and your family.
The love you still have for your husband needs to be so transparent that he sees it in everything you do – with him and for him. If you do this, you will have no regrets about how you made him feel and how wonderful your life was together, sans that one year of infidelity.
To be completely clear – turn your attention to him, and away from yourself. This is the best way to honor him, and the life you have together.
May you see through the eyes of blessings,
“The Oracle” – intuition-insight-influence – www.colettebaronreid.com
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