Movember: Top 10 Celeb Moustaches

John Oates once said that, “A good moustache makes a man for many reasons,” and he would know — everyone knew him as the guy with the moustache in Hall & Oates! And that’s the point — a good moustache isn’t just facial hair, it’s an integral part of one’s identity. No one asks who the guy without the moustache is in a band or group. That’s because a moustache, good or bad (but preferably good), separates a man from the pack.

In honour of Movember – a charity event that raises awareness for men’s health and takes place during November – men across around the world will grow moustaches in a show of support and solidarity for the cause. For usually non-mustachioed men,  choosing the proper ‘stache to suit their look and personality can be a challenge. To help those men decide on the lip do that works best for them, we’ve compiled a guide with 10 of our favourite moustaches, what each says about the man who sports it and examples of those who wore them best.

1. The Rugged, Manly Moustache   

Well-mustachioed example:  Tom Selleck

Defining qualities: Short, strong, rarely out of place. This moustache exemplifies the stern but fair, tough but loving, hardworking but attentive man.

Appropriate accessories: Brave, confident eyes; broad shoulders; dirt under the fingernails; matching chest hair.

Mustachio-meter rating:  10. If you can pull it off, this moustache is a definite winner that makes both men and women take notice. Don’t believe us? As of this writing, Tom Selleck’s moustache has its very own Facebook page with 33,042 fans.

2. The Intellectual Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Alex Trebek (pre-2001)

Defining qualities: Well-trimmed, even, and rising from the ends of the mouth to a level peak below the nose. Touch of grey optional but encouraged.

Appropriate accessories: Reading glasses; friendly smile; understanding/non-condescending demeanor when correcting the mistakes of others; wall of blue screens featuring categorized questions.

Mustachio-meter rating: 8.5. This moustache won’t necessarily get you noticed by the fairer sex, but it does speak nicely to your intellect. The non-threatening nature of the style also tends to emit a tender, gentle vibe. Just don’t go ruining that image by insisting that others only answer you in the form of a question.

3. The Trustworthy Moustache

ChrisHadfield2

Well-mustachioed example: Chris Hadfield

Defining qualities: Well groomed, exuding an aura of warmth, and a general “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay, I’ll take care of it” vibe.

Appropriate accessories: An inviting smile, humility, intelligence, and compassion. Your own space station really helps too, if you happen to command one.

Mustachio-meter rating: 9.5. In this crazy world, who doesn’t appreciate a friend or colleague they can trust? Whether you need someone to babysit your children, run the International Space Station, sing David Bowie songs in orbit, or amaze folks by simply wringing out a wet cloth in zero gravity, the candidate has to be someone you can count on. If his moustache says, “NASA trusts me,” you have nothing to worry about.

4. The Artist’s Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Salvador Dali

Defining qualities: Quirky, pointy tips, defiant of social conventions

Appropriate accessories: Paint brush; Parisian cafés; portfolio of work revered by both art connoisseurs and college freshmen with a bare dorm-room wall

Mustachio-meter rating: 5.0. This moustache works best in specific circles. Society won’t like it, so be prepared to get stared at a lot on the bus. The only way to truly redeem this look is to hit it big in life. Otherwise, you may be unfairly relegated to “creepy guy in the upstairs apartment” status.

5. The Genius’ Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Albert Einstein

Defining qualities: Overgrown, covering top lip, somewhat unkempt, unpretentious

Appropriate accessories: Wool sweater; chalkboard; ground-breaking scientific theories; Nobel Prize

Mustachio-meter rating: 7.0. Much like the Artist’s Moustache, this style will likely get you noticed. Yes, it’s a little unconventional, but the good news is that while it’s most famously associated with those exhibiting superior intellect it can double as a moustache for the fun-loving, easy going high school teacher or friendly, good-natured man next door. All in all, not a bad choice if it suits you.

6. The Comedian’s Moustache

87th Annual Academy Awards - Backstage And Audience

Well-mustachioed example: Eddie Murphy

Defining qualities: Smooth but never shy, well-kept but flexible, keeps its form when atop a world-famous smile.

Appropriate accessories: A groundbreaking comedy act; red leather suit; a struggling late night sketch show that needs a once-in-a-generation talent to keep it afloat.

Mustachio-meter rating: 8.0. This is one of the most versatile moustaches on the list, capable of eliciting laughs whether you’re performing stand-up, Trading Places or suiting up as The Nutty Professor. It’ll also be there as you earn rave reviews for dramatic turns, à la Dreamgirls, or as you dodge terrible reviews for unfortunate turns like The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

7. The Heartthrob Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Errol Flynn

Defining qualities: Smooth, sensual and groomed with care – much like the man who wears it.

Appropriate accessories: Silk robe; dreamy eyes; a bottle of fine wine; boyish grin; an arsenal of sweet nothings to be whispered into a waiting admirer’s ear

Mustachio-meter rating: 9.0. If you are able to pull this style off, you probably don’t need to be here reading about it. The Heartthrob Moustache is a time-tested classic and, when worn correctly, screams “I am gentle and attentive and will make you my cherished queen.” When worn incorrectly, however, it screams “I’m a creep who watches you at night from your rose bushes.” Note the difference.

8. The Do-Gooder Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Ned Flanders

Defining qualities: Kept in better than pristine condition, glossy, likely receives its own wash-rinse-repeat treatment in the shower.

Appropriate accessories: Names for your moustache; good intentions; plain-coloured sweater vest; integrity

Mustachio-meter rating: Tough to say. This style isn’t bad, much like how those who may choose it aren’t. It’s just that, at times, the Flander-esque among us can be a little over-bearing and it’s the moustache’s reputation that suffers in the end. This may be a good project for those not sure which moustache fits them best: wear this one and help redeem it.

9. The Athlete’s Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Rollie Fingers

Defining qualities: A trademark look, intimidating or off-putting to opponents, maintains its integrity in the heat of the game

Appropriate accessories: Grit; determination; never say die attitude; something resembling a sports uniform

Mustachio-meter rating: 7.5. The Athlete works well under the right conditions. Facial hair has always been prevalent in sports, from the deviously clever-looking Rollie Fingers to the intensity of Brian Wilson’s pitch-black scruff to the perennial hockey playoff beards. All of these share a common trait: they are worn by men of strength, fortitude and the resolve to win. If you’re going to wear it, be ready to bring it.

10. The Intense, In-Your-Face Moustache

Mr. T And Nik Wallenda Celebrate National Amazing Month

Well-mustachioed example: Mr. T

Defining qualities: Exuding attitude, unconventional yet not too quirky, tough as nails.

Appropriate accessories: Muscles; gold chains; mohawk; motorcycle; alpha-male personality; glare that could melt ice.

Mustachio-meter rating: True it’s more of a full-face affair than just a moustache, but we pity the fool who argues semantics with this ‘stache. This facial hair works best on the man who like to make sure things are done his way, even if he has to toss in a bodyslam or two to get his point across. 

Bonus ‘Stache

The Quotable Moustache

Well-mustachioed example: Mark Twain

Defining qualities: Similar to the genius’ moustache but a little longer on the sides. May include curls on the end.

Appropriate accessories: Quick wit; classic one-liners; kind smile; pad and paper to write down all of the brilliant quips that come to you throughout the day.

Mustachio-meter rating: 8.0. This is a lovely, heart-warming choice of facial hair, though it does require some sense of humour to pull it off. Otherwise, you look like you’re just too lazy to shave. And the humour has to be appropriate – cutting but not vulgar, funny but not offensive. This is real life after all, not a Comedy Central roast.