ASK COLETTE: “Should I Swing for my Husband?”
Here, Boomer Intuitive Coach Colette Baron-Reid on integrating new techniques into the bedroom and the relationship overall.
My husband and I have a fairly regular sex life, and I believe we’re both satisfied in the bedroom. Recently he asked me if I would consider opening up our marriage to being swingers and sharing partners with other couples. I was thrown off balance by this. I don’t think I want to do it and I’m feeling pressured to say yes. I’ll admit I’m curious but also confused. What should I do? – Not Ready to Swing
Dear Not Ready to Swing,
Wow, that’s some dinner conversation, ugh? I certainly understand why you’re feeling off balance and confused.
I could give you a solid, heartfelt answer about never doing anything you didn’t want to do and don’t feel safe doing, but let’s go a little deeper than that. FIRST, it’s worth repeating – don’t do anything simply because you are feeling pressured or uncomfortable. OMG – that’s just going to lead to feelings of resentment, shame and regret. No, thank you!
But I’m also going to put this out there right upfront – to each his own, whatever floats your boat, two consenting adults (okay, really four) … and all that good stuff.
So here are a few questions to consider. What about swinging appeals to your husband? Is it purely a new and “forbidden” sex that interests him? Is he feeling stale with your current habits? Does he think it will be a turn on to see you being desired and satisfied by someone else? Is he interested in having you watch?
Now, what part of it makes you uneasy? Are you afraid he will form emotional attachments to other partners or that YOU might? Do you think you’ll feel jealous and insecure about his other partners? Are you fearful this new desire will lead to even more promiscuity outside the marriage? Do you think that doing this will change your commitment in any way? What, for example, does being faithful mean? Is this important to you? Are you afraid to say no because he might abandon you?
These questions and both of your answers are the beginning of an important, mutually respectful conversation.
And here’s something else to consider. If any of the answers have to do with wanting something spicier or more connected in your marital escapades, consider some alternatives first. At least you will have shown him you are willing to try new things and spice things up for his and your sake.
For instance, see if there is a Tantric practitioner in your area or buy books on Tantra. Engage in the different modalities of touch and communication that is the foundation of Tantric sex. This new way of connecting may be part of what he feels is missing, and you’ll be happy you integrated some new techniques into the bedroom and the relationship overall.
Look into learning how to give each other sensual massages (also part of the Tantric teachings).
Perhaps it’s time to do a little research into Kama Sutra practices. You never know what new ideas will become the cornerstone of your bedroom habits.
If, after you both have a long, insightful conversation and you’ve considered some of the initial alternatives, then it’s time to make your own decision.
Trust your intuition. Don’t feel the pressure to please him if you think it will cause more harm than good within the relationship. Don’t compromise your self-respect for the sake of a new endeavour if you know you won’t be able to handle all of the emotions that may come to the surface.
If you are curious and want to give it a try, set mutually agreeable boundaries on a trial basis and work up from there. Always be honest with your feelings first to yourself, then your partner. Denial of your truth will lead to unhappy consequences that you may regret.
May you see through the eyes of blessings,
Intuition – insight – influence
If you have a question you would like to ask Colette, write to her at [email protected]. All published questions and answers will be anonymous – we honor and protect your privacy. (Please, Colette respectfully asks that you do not request a reading as the anticipated response to your question.)