What to Say to Keep Your Spouse Happy

Zoomer | February 5th, 2010

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There are countless ways to tell your spouse you care about him or her: You’re handsome. You’re sexy. You’re my favorite cook. You’re a great kisser. You’re so much fun. You’re a riot. You’re the best dad/mom.

There’s no need for an expensive gift next Valentine’s Day or anniversary.

Instead, go to the store and buy a card. Write one of the phrases below on your card. Or just say them aloud.
These are simple statements that will make your spouse feel loved, cared for, noticed, and valued.

1. I love you even more now than when we were first married. (This tells your spouse you are still interested, and gives him or her a sense of hopefulness, reassurance, and security.)

2. You are my best friend/the best lover/the best husband or wife. (This says that you notice who your spouse really is and do not take him or her for granted.)

3. I would still choose you. (Every partner needs to hear these words on occasion. They are affirming, nurturing, and appreciative. It is also a reminder that you are renewing your commitment to this relationship.)

4. Let’s plan _____ [a vacation, a date, getting pregnant]. (This says you want your spouse in your future, and he or she is your top priority.)

5. I’ve really noticed that you have _____ [been helping more around the house, been working really hard these past several weeks, been helping your mother through rough times, etc.]. (This shows you are paying attention to the particulars of your spouse’s life, and that he or she matters.)

BEST THINGS TO DO FOR YOUR SPOUSE

The key to showing affective affirmation is to see the world through your spouse’s eyes. hat does your husband or wife love or need? Think about your partner’s habits or some specific
challenges he or she faces. Is your wife always running out of cash? Slip some bills in her purse as a surprise. Is she always rushing around? Offer to take the kids to sports practice for a change. Is he stressed out at work? Make his favorite dinner tonight. Is he too busy to fix the garage door? Have it fixed by a handyman without telling him. Take a walk after dinner. Buy tickets to the theater. Kiss and hug your partner. Whisper something romantic. Lock eyes with him or her for longer than usual, and flash a smile or wink. Compliment him or her. Spontaneously grab his or her hand when you are walking somewhere. Buy your spouse a small gift–a book, a CD, flowers, chocolate, slippers, or gloves.

The key here is to make small gestures that show you’re paying attention. That’s all it takes to make your spouse feel as though he or she is valued and loved. My research shows that
when couples give affective affirmation and fulfill the first two needs for each other–the need for reassurance and the need for intimacy–they are likely to be very happy together.

– By Terry L. Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great

Excerpted from 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great by Terri L. Orbuch, Ph. D. Copyright © 2009 by Terri L. Orbuch, Ph. D. Excerpted by permission Delacorte , a division of Random House of Canada Limited. All rights reserved.