To: Our American friends and neighbours (note the “u”)
Re: Your Burger King moving here to merge with our Tim Hortons
1.The co-founder of the chain of donut stores was a hockey player named Tim Horton, not Tim Hortons. But there is no apostrophe in the name of the chain. Canadians are funny that way. Our hockey team is the Maple Leafs. Not the Maple Leaves. Tim Horton played for the Maple Leafs for 18 seasons, beginning in 1949. He died 40 years ago.
2.We have no more penny coins in Canada. If you buy a Double Double and and the bill comes to $3.73, you will be rounded up to $3.75. If you keep consuming Double Doubles and donuts, you will be rounded.
3.We have always had Burger King in Canada but now it is ours. Nyaah, nyaah. We also have a Queen. Elizabeth II is officially the Queen of Canada. When Will and Kate ascend the throne, they will be King and Queen of Canada. Double double nyaah, nyaah.
4. If you buy one or two donuts at Tim Hortons in Canada, you will be charged the HST tax of 13 per cent. That stands for Harmonized Sales Tax, not Happily Squandering Tax which is how it’s used by the government, according to many Canadians. However, if you buy six donuts, you won’t have to pay the HST. You may wonder why it is the policy of Canadian bureaucracy to promote obesity, as demonstrated by several of our politicians, but you may just as well wonder why every Toronto sports team implodes in the final stretch. The full explanation: Because.
5.We have a Senate in Canada but unlike your Senate, it has no power and exists only to offer opportunities for paybacks, graft and corruption. Also to consume coffee and donuts and expensive dinners and junkets at taxpayers’ expense.
6.Do not be alarmed if you see milk cartons labelled Homo. This is not an instance of political incorrectness. Nor is it a reference to the merging of the burger king and Timmy. Rather, it indicates that the milk contained therein is homogenized whole milk.
7.Donuts are either frosted, glazed, sugared or plain. They are not iced. Icing in Canada refers to a hockey player sending the puck from his half of the rink all the way past the opposing goal line. By definition, the puck must cross both the centre (note the Canadian spelling which you may consider dyslexic) red line and the opposing goal line untouched.
8.Old age in Canada officially begins at 65. This is government mandated and there is no recourse. At the age of 65, Canadians start receiving Old Age Security — monthly cheques for $500 and change from the government that come in envelopes labelled as such. Nobody complains. On the other hand, in your country, at Dunkin Donuts, you get a free donut with your coffee if you flash your AARP card (American Association of Retired People) for which you are eligible at 55, even if you have to work until you’re 78 to pay for your health care.
9. Canadians remain Canadians even if they moved elsewhere at the age of seven weeks and never stepped foot in Canada again. We claim them all, from Saul Bellow to Seth Rogen. Now we can add the Whopper to our list of famous Canadians.
10. We’re happy to welcome fast food royalty to Canada (our home-grown burger chain is more modestly named: Harvey’s, with an apostrophe) but we confess to being skeptical of your competency and doubt that you have what it takes to be truly Canadian. Quite simply, you’re moving in the wrong direction. Canadians don’t move north from Miami to a Toronto suburb. We go south whenever we can and carefully count the days we can stay in Florida without forfeiting Canadian residency and universal health care — even if it means going for 212 days a year without a Timmy around the corner. Maybe the merger will change that, although we’re not sure Timmy is your thing, America. You mostly eat donuts only in the morning. We indulge any time of the day or night — when we’re not drinking beer.
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