ASK COLETTE: “Disappointed My Son Is Gay”
A parent can’t cope with her son’s admission he is gay. Here, advice from Boomer Intuitive Coach Colette Baron-Reid
My 21-year old son came out as a gay a week before Christmas and I am so upset. I was filled with so much sadness and anger. I won’t ever have a daughter-in-law and no grandchildren. I love my son but I can’t believe he did this to us, and during the holidays! We sacrificed so much and worked so hard to give him everything and he comes home with this? I just can’t get a handle on it—it’s just so wrong. We were so upset and angry we told him he was no longer welcome in our home. He spoiled our Christmas and broke up our family. I did the right thing, right? – Disappointed Mother
Dear Disappointed Mother,
Really? You’re kidding, right? Are you really asking me if you did the right thing by kicking your son out of your home? Let’s start with the basics.
First of all, at 21-years-old your son is not entitled to be provided with a roof over his head, but your motivation for sending him on his way is in question.
So, let’s see if I get the circumstances of his coming out correct. He came home for the holidays – a time when people are usually sentimental and feeling the closest to loved ones – and he revealed an intimate and difficult thing to his mother and father. So he spoiled your Christmas by being open and vulnerable with you?
I can only imagine he was devastated to learn you didn’t support him as a grown man and as your loving son. Who he loves is truly none of your business but he obviously felt a need to share his life and his feelings with you.
On some level it’s probably easier not to stay in a home where he’s not accepted and in fact, held responsible for your disappointment and anger. Although he may never get over the feelings of rejection and abandonment, he will be better off away from an environment of hostility and disapproval.
As for the grandchild issue, where is it written that children have an obligation to procreate for the purposes of creating happy grandparents? And who’s to say you won’t be a grandmother of a child with two loving parents, regardless of gender and marital status? Unfortunately, your actions have guaranteed you won’t be a part of the child’s life anyway.
Now it’s time for a little self-reflection. What is the source of your anger? That he’s gay? That he’s not what you wanted in a son? That he chose the holidays to tell you?
Do you care about how he feels and what’s best for him? Would you prefer he deny who he is and never find love? Is that what you want for your only son?
I hate to tell you but I’m on his side, not yours. I hope you think long and hard about your loss—and your part in it.
Love always and forever,
The Invision Project
If you have a question you would like to ask Colette, write to her at [email protected]. All published questions and answers will be anonymous – we honor and protect your privacy. (Please, Colette respectfully asks that you do not request a reading as the anticipated response to your question.)