Donald Trump Threatens To Sue Saskatchewan

Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump is threatening to sue the province of Saskatchewan after a local MP revealed he planned to build a wall along his province’s border with America and cease exports to the U.S if the outspoken real estate mogul is elected president.

During a press conference with local media on Tuesday, MP Gord Maple of Big Beaver, Sask., said that he planned to introduce a bill to not only erect a wall along his town’s border with Montana and North Dakota, but that he’d force Trump to pay for it. He also threatened to cease trading one of Saskatchewan’s biggest exports – fertilizer – with the U.S., the province’s largest trading partner.

“A Trump regime wouldn’t need our fertilizer. He’s full of enough bullsh-t for the entire country,” Maple, who also chairs the Big Beaver Board of Commerce (BBBOC), quipped before the assembled crowd. He also noted that, as a slight to Trump, he’d push for his province to start trading directly with Mexico, which he claimed, “is a nation we’d be proud to send our poop to.”

Maple later admitted that having Trump pay for the wall was a joke but that he couldn’t be more serious about building it. “The last thing we want is any part of Trump entering Big Beaver.”

Saskatchewan export stats courtesy of the Parliament of Canada
Saskatchewan export stats courtesy of the Parliament of Canada

Yesterday, at a campaign stop in Cranky Corner, Louisiana, the GOP frontrunner fumed when told of Maple’s comments.

“Beavers only know how to build dams, not walls. I know how to build a wall. The best wall. Believe me,” Trump said. “If they try to keep me out, or stop trading with America, I’ll sue them for all they’ve got. We’ll be up to our eyes in fertilizer when I’m done with them, let me tell you.”

Trump called Saskatchewan, “a great place. It really is. I have a lot of friends there. The wheat farmers love me ,” but noted that in the future he might steer clear of Big Beaver. “I don’t know. Maybe I’d have a good time there … I have big hands so maybe it’s a natural fit.”

However, he offered a word of warning to Canada as a whole, saying that, if elected President of the United States, this dispute could disrupt diplomatic relations.

“I like Canada but, let’s face it, there’s a reason they’re stuck all the way up north there,” he said to a smattering of cheers from the Cranky Corner crowd. “When they send us their people they’re not sending people like you, or you. No, they’re sending hockey players and liberal comedians and tourists with currency half as valuable as the American dollar. It’s loser money. And you know how I feel about losers.”

Meanwhile, a representative from the Big Beaver Building, Development and Zoning Association (BBBDAZA), speaking on condition of anonymity, told the local Big Beaver Times that Maple would be unlikely to secure the rights to build a wall along the Canada-U.S. border.

However, Richard Pine of the Big Beaver and Greater Saskatchewan Provincial Securities, Regulations, Border Patrol and Law Enforcement Board (BBAGSPSRBPALEB) said that Maple is hardly the first MP in the province to voice concerns about a possible Trump presidency, noting “representatives from as far away as Climax, Sask., to Loon Lake have joined in solidarity with Mr. Maple and Big Beaver.” And this morning, a makeshift coalition of border towns across the country pledged to join Big Beaver in building a wall to keep Trump out.

“Mr. Trump can sue us if he wants,” Maple said in a statement earlier today. “Big Beaveronians stand by our plan to build a wall in our town and appreciate the support we’ve received from our friends across the nation, from Climax, Sask., to Balls Falls, Ont. We are very serious about this initiative. There is nothing funny about Big Beaver.”

STORY UPDATE: Happy April Fools!